Love Advice

Love Advice: Questions about Love, Sex and Greeting Cards with Judy Torres

Judy Torres

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Q: What is the best advice you can give a young guy who wants to ask an older woman out on a date?
A: I can answer this question by experience. I am the older woman in my relationship. And we are now engaged to be married. As an older woman, I don’t think we are interested in age as much as we are interested in your confidence and your success in life. Success, ambition, confidence with a little humility is what is sexiest. So when approaching an older woman, be yourself. Take an honest interest in who she is. And don’t bother lying to us, because we can read bs right away. And please, NEVER say things like, “You know, for an older woman you really are beautiful.” Just make us feel desired and honest.

 

Q: E-Cards or Hallmark cards?
A: To me there simply is no real thought in an e-card. It’s digital, it’s downloaded and it’s downright cold and impersonal. I love the feeling of receiving a real card, reading the inscription or poem on the inside…seeing someone’s handwriting makes it all the more special. I’m not saying I’m right, but I’m not wrong, ha ha!!

 

Q: What is your go-to song when you want to get all romantic?
A: When I want to get all romantic my go-to songs are Tango by Lara Fabian, Jezebel by Sade or Europa by Santana! Yea, those are pretty sexy! I can’t choose just one!

 

Q: What is the best song to get it on to?
A: The best song to get it on to? A lady NEVER tells! Only my fiance knows!

 

Q: How can you tell if you’re really in love?
A: You can tell you are really in love when thinking of that person makes you all giddy inside; when you find yourself thinking of that person at the worst possible moments like when you get pulled over for running a red light. That person is your first thought when you wake and your last thought before you sleep. You are in love when the thought of that person not being in your life brings you to tears.

 

Q: Sex in public places, yes or no?
A: Sex in public places? Si, si, si – if you are ready to risk being arrested, and as long as the public place is not inappropriate – like a school for example. You don’t want to get caught by children. Sex on a beach, for instance, can be tempting and exciting. Not that I would know. I only heard from others!

 

Q: Dating a co-worker. A do or a don’t?
A: Dating a co-worker is too risque! You spend the majority of your day at work. If you date a co-worker and it doesn’t work out, the workplace can become a very uncomfortable place and your performance could suffer. Worse than that, there’s gonna be lots of bochinche if he/she turns out to be a bad person.

 

Q: Sexting. Si, si, si or No, no, no?
A: Sexting?! NO! Once you type those sexy and erotic words and press “send,” your words are out there forever. Later on, if it doesn’t work out, that person could use your own words against you. But…if you are certain your texts will be private and if it is for your spouse’s eyes only and you know no one will see it go for it.

 

Q: Best love advice you’ve gotten from your parents?
A: The best advice my mother gave me about love was that love does not hurt. It should make you feel good, it should lift you up and it should NEVER put you down. And her words have helped me out of very unhealthy situations quickly!

Michelle Rodriguez ‘There’s No Shame In My Game!’

Presentación1mz

Michelle Rodriguez has been pretty open about being bisexual, admitting she has “gone both ways” – She isn’t camera-shy about it. “The heart wants what the heart wants…” So why did her smooch with Teen hearthrob Zac Efron catch us by surprise? First, the age gap Rodriguez 36, and Efron 25, and not to long ago she was seen with girlfriend at the time, Cara Delevingne.

Perhaps that is why we love Michelle Rodriguez. Because not only is she metaphorically playing the role of a ‘panther’ pouncing on her prey; she’s also evidence of how strong and sensual a women can be. That is once they are freed from the Romeo and Juliet mentality the media has tried so hard to force us to believe is real.

Love Advice: Should I Leave My Young Lover?

[Originally published in LatinTRENDS Magazine Issue #106; March 2014]
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Judy Torres

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Dear Judy,

I am what is called a cuarentona. I’m forty but I’m fit and I have a teenage son. I pay for my son to attend a private school and he is doing very well. No problem there. The thing is that I am dating a younger guy. My guy is 22. We’ve been dating for three months and he wants me to meet his mother. I’ve been coming up with excuses but a good friend of mine helped me to see that I’m just insecure. I just assume his mother will not approve.

Being a mom myself, I think I know how she might feel. Also, I’m not in love. I just really like this guy. Do you think it’s time for me to leave my young lover? I know this relationship is limited. What do you think? Is our time up?

Abrazos,
La Cuarentona

 

Dear Cuarentona,

You are, what is called “human.” There is nothing wrong with age differences MOST of the time, provided that you are not liable to be arrested for statutory rape. In this case, he is 22, and you are 40. Let’s do the math. You are 18 years older than him. You have lived life, gained wisdom, and have had enough heartache in life to know that love will always give you more chances. At 22 your guy hasn’t. His life is just beginning, in a way. What do you really have in common?

At 40, sometimes we notice our mortality. We know that in 10 years, we will be considered middle-aged, and to have the attention of a hot, handsome 22 year old has GOT to make you feel sexy, attractive and wanted. And who doesn’t want to feel that way?

If you were just having an affair, a fling, and both of you knew that’s what this is, then I would say keep having fun. But big alarms went off in my head when you mentioned that he wants you to meet his mother. That means he is thinking that this is a serious relationship. As for his mother, of course she’s not going to like it at all because she will see the potential for her son to be hurt.

I suggest you don’t even show your face to her unless you are ready to confess your love for him. Your’e not in love with him. It looks like you’re just having fun. And let’s just call a spade a spade here. Your young lover is your boy toy. And you are his MILF (Mother I’d like to #%@)…you are the cougar, haha. It’s fun in the beginning, and 3 months is about the time where people decide to go exclusive. So a decision needs to be made here. And since your are not in love with him that decision is simple. STOP it.

It’s time to end it. I say let him go, and allow him to bring a woman who actually loves him to meet his mother one day. But that woman is not you. Cuarentona, this is a lesson for you too. I’m 45, and being in our 40’s we know by now that the heart is not to be played with. So, if you wouldn’t want someone to just use you, don’t use him. Good luck!!

Love,
Judy

Love Advice: Should I Propose To My Boyfriend?

Judy Torres

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Dear Judy,

I’ve been dating the most wonderful guy for EIGHT YEARS now!!! Mr. Wonderful and I met in college, we live together, our families LOVE each other and they love us together. All the planets seem to be aligned – they’ve been aligned for a few years now – but Mr. Wonderful hasn’t popped the question!

The thing is that it doesn’t seem like he will either. There was a time when I brought up marriage constantly but it only pushed him away. I’m still not quite sure why he won’t ask. He never gave me a straight answer. When I stopped pressuring him about it he went back to normal.

We both come from a traditional family and I don’t see any signs of childhood trauma. ANYWAY, I say all this to say that maybe I SHOULD ASK HIM TO MARRY ME! What do you think? Should I set up a romantic getaway and get down on one knee? I feel like maybe he just needs a push. But am I pushing him down a flight of stairs? No se que hacer. Ayudame Judy.

Love Pusher,
Wendy

 

Dear Wendy,

You have given this man not 1, not 2, not 3, not 5, but EIGHT years of your life. It is wonderful that you live together and I think it’s awesome that your families mutually love each other. Now, you say the planets are aligned, but I ask what planet is he really living on? Apparently he’s not living on yours.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of my “3 rule.” It takes 3 conversations to go out on a date; 3 dates to know if you’d like to begin a relationship; 3 months to decide if you’d like to keep this monogamous; and 3 years to know if you’d like to commit. After 8 years, there should be no confusion or doubt as to what kind of wife you would be, or what kind of life you would have together.

You have to ask yourself how important is marriage to you. If it is a NECESSITY – that you don’t want to just cohabitate with someone, that you need to hear him call you his wife, then you need to confront him again. Try approaching him differently than you did last time. Do NOT NOT NOT propose to him. It is only forcing your desire on him. It is an artificial way of getting what you want, which is for HIM to FREELY commit to you. If you ask him, one day you will look back and wonder if he would have ever asked at all. If you can live with him without being married forever, if you can drop the fantasy of that wedding day, then continue as things are – but something tells me you won’t be fulfilled.

Abrazos,
Judy

Love Advice: Should I Forgive My Husband’s Infidelities?

[Originally published in LatinTRENDS Magazine Issue #81; September 2011]
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Judy Torres

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Dear Judy,

How can I forget and forgive my husband for his actions? It has been only a few months since I found out about his affairs – which lasted over four months with three different women. One was more intense than the others. He says he has broken off all contact with them and is only with me now.

When I learned about the affairs, I had no information other than he was having one. Someone I didn’t know told me, so I did not have much to go on. I have asked my husband some questions, but he refuses to answer them. He says I should let it go and move on, that my questions will lead to no good, and if I don’t stop I’m going to push him away.

I think about what he has done and different scenarios daily and try to ignore the hurt, but it’s hard. Should I ask questions, should he answer them, and will this pain ever go away? We are “trying,” and I’m running mostly on love and the hope that our relationship will survive.

Sincerely,
In Pain in Pelham Bay

 

Dear Pain,

My dear, it is so damaging that he even had the first affair…but he had the nerve to do it three times! When you marry, you do so for better or for worse. But this behavior is one of addiction and quite frankly, it’s abusive to your emotional well-being.

I would love to tell you to stay, but I can’t. He has HURT YOU! He has been selfish. Look at what he’s doing, not what he’s saying. There may have been some problems in your marriage already, but it doesn’t give him permission to stray.

If he was truly sorry, you would have heard it straight from him, not from a total stranger. If he was truly sorry, he would have never ever dreamed of doing it again…and AGAIN. If he really feels remorse, he would do ANYTHING to fix his mess. Then he would CHANGE his behavior entirely, including you in everything he can to make you feel comfortable.

A sincere apology means he truly understands the deep extent to which you’ve really been hurt. He would do everything to win back your trust: offer to go to counseling, giving you all details about where he’s going, etc. But he wants you to forget it – put it in the past and move on. That is the talk of a man who will do it again. He’ll just be smarter about it next time.

So to answer your question, yes – you should talk about it as many times necessary until YOU feel relief. Yes – he should answer them – if he really cares that he hurt you, he will be willing to disclose it all. He cannot change what he won’t acknowledge. And yes, the pain will go away, but as long as you stay in this lifestyle of deceit, you’re destined to get more pain. I think it’s YOU who’s trying to hang in there. I give you credit for that, but he is not…he just wants you to “get over it already.”

You are his wife, and you are entitled to be number one. If he makes you anything less than that, he doesn’t deserve you. Aren’t you entitled to be number one? YES! Should you stay? NO! Don’t tolerate this one more day.

Love,
Judy

Love Advice: Meddling Mother Dearest

[Originally published for LatinTRENDS magazine December 2011 Issue #84]
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Judy Torres

Ask Judy

 

Dear Judy,

I’m a 31 year old woman living in her own house. I have an advanced degree, a good job, lots of friends, and an overall great life. Last March, I met a man named Emmanuel. We got to know each other, began dating that June, and things have been going wonderfully ever since. Currently, we are exclusive with one another, but we aren’t engaged or living together. If things are still this wonderful after our 1-year anniversary, we want to take our relationship to engagement and, eventually marriage.

So, what’s the problem? In a word: my mother. Though she hasn’t met him (she lives in another state,) she feels as though he isn’t progressing fast enough, and that if he were really “in love with me” and not looking at me as just a “good time girl,” he would have moved in with me and gotten engaged to me already. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t want to rush things – and neither did he – but she says that my “advanced age” means that I should be hurrying up and getting married.

I love my mother dearly, but I just feel like she is being irrational with this rushing of this relationship, and this will eventually cause tension between everyone where there needn’t be. I love Emmanuel very much, and don’t want to risk losing him or our relationship by rushing into things. So what do you think?

Sincerely,
Reina

 

Dear Reina,

Considering the fact that you are well-educated, something tells me you already instinctively know what to do. But as your friend who cares for your happiness and well-being, here is my advice.

I’ve said this more than once here, but I’ll say it again: my mom always told me that it takes a year and a half to really truly know someone. Therefore, your decision to take things slowly is the absolute right thing to do. Why rush? Tell your mom that you know she loves you, and you’re proud that she raised you to be an intelligent and articulate woman, capable of making wise decisions. Le her know that her advice is duly noted, and you consider yourself fully warned.

Too many people today get married too quickly – sometimes as soon as 6 months after they meet – only to discover a year after marriage they got married for the wrong reasons. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce, so to save yourself heartache AND money, take your time. You, me dear, have chosen right. If your boyfriend has the best intentions, he will wait for you.

Your mom thinks you should at least live together? Why play house without the commitment? In a year, you have a chance to develop the relationship and lay the proper foundation for marriage. You’ll have time to get to know one another intimately, you’ll have enough arguments, and you’ll learn how compatible you really are. It’s better to learn now than learn a hard and heartbreaking lesson later.

Now, the bottom line is that at the adult age of 31, you must now live your own life, make your own decisions and yes, even have the chance to make your own mistakes. You have reached a moment in your life we all dread: the day you have to disagree with Mom. Talk to her gently – and lovingly – and let her know that while you appreciate and love her, you have to follow your gut, and your gut is telling you to wait. For the record, 31 IS YOUNG to be married nowadays: tell Mom that I am single, unmarried, with no boyfriend and I’m 41…and I’m single because I want to marry Mr. Right, not Mr. Almost-Right!

Don’t settle and be sure. Be sure he is who you want, and love will be there no matter how long! Good luck and I hope to be a guest at your wedding in about 2 years!

Love,
Judy

Love Advice: What is “Normal” For Sex?

[Originally published for LatinTRENDS magazine December 2011 Issue #84]
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Judy Torres

Ask Judy

 

Dear Judy,

Wanna know something about my sex life with mi hombre that no one else knows? (I debated even asking you, but that’s the beauty of anonymity.) He rarely initiates sex. Don’t get me wrong: he enjoys it. He doesn’t have complaints. He never turns me down. He gets really, really into it. And he’s very sexually flirtatious with me. But he just doesn’t initiate the hook up that often.

For the past month or so, I haven’t really had to think about this because, well, we were having sex almost everyday. But lately, our sex life has been slowing down, and therefore, this concern is popping up in my mind more frequently.

So…I guess my question to you is, what’s wrong here? Shouldn’t un hombre be the initiator? And if he isn’t, does that mean he has someone on the side? Do you think he’s cheating?

This whole situation doesn’t seem “normal,” if you know what I mean. What do you think?

Sincerely yours,
Confused in Centereach

 

Dear Confused in Centereach,

Ah! For the first time, I am presented with a question about the roles men and women play in the bedroom.

First, let me say that I wish you gave me more information. How long have you both been together? Are you married? Living together? Children? I ask these questions because sometimes they can add insight to the situation. For example, if you’re married to one another for a few years, I could guess that perhaps things have become too uncomfortable, and you may have to spice things up.

Another example: if you’ve been together for five years, and you were always the one initiating sex, then I could tell you that you’ve “taught” him how to respond – you are in charge.

Let’s talk about “normal” for one second. To me, what is normal to one couple may not be normal for another. In our society, it is expected that the man is in charge. Therefore, he should be the aggressor, right? But if you’ve always initiated, and he never has and you never asked him in the past to initiate, then why would you expect him to be different now?

What does concern me, however, is that it’s been more than a month that you’ve not been intimate with one another, especially if you say he enjoys it, and gets really “into it.”

How much do you know about his past sexual history and experiences? Sometimes if a man is resistant to initiate he is afraid of rejection. Sometimes, if there’s some sort of trauma that is attached to his past, he may be afraid of being too aggressive. I think the best thing to do here is to COMMUNICATE with him. But there are four words that you should never tell a man: “We have to talk!” As soon as you say that to him, he will immediately think, ‘okay, what did I do now?’ and he will quickly become defensive.

Wait until you and he are having “a moment,” when things feel cozy, and just say straight out that you miss him sexually. Let him know that you’ve been thinking about your sex life and would like to spice things up. Tell him you have a secret fantasy of HIM initiating sex and “taking over” – let him know that it would really turn you on. Then see how he responds.

In regards to your suspicion of him cheating on you, I cannot say that just because he’s not been interested means he’s cheating. However, if this is the first time your intimacy’s hit a stop sign, then you should just ask him straight out. I believe strongly in women’s intuition. Deep down in your heart, you will know. Who knows, maybe he is waiting for you to ask…so just ask him and be honest about your concerns. If he loves you, he will respond in love and work it out. Good luck with your hombre!

Love,
Judy

Love Advice: I’m Dreaming of Another Man

[Originally published for DTM magazine February 2010 Issue #66]
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Judy Torres

Ask Judy

 

Dear Judy,

I am a 27 year old father of two, which makes my problem even more scary: I have dreams about being with another man. I dream about the sexual part…never the kissing or hugging. I am “with” these men in my dreams, and when I wake up, I am very aroused.

The arousal is stronger than when I am “with” my wife, and now I think about being with a guy when I take showers or when I am home alone. Why is the thought about being with another man so arousing to me, and what do I do about it?

– Alberto

 

Dear Alberto,

I am not a dream analysis expert, however, I do know that not all dreams are to be taken literally. In dreams, sometimes sex is about power and aggression. You may be very stressed out at work, or angry with someone, and these dreams give you a way of acting out that rage, especially since you mentioned that there is no kissing or hugging.

However, I am curious that you mentioned that the thought of the dreams arouse you. We don’t always act on our thoughts. Sometimes we can imagine strangling someone we’re angry with, but we don’t do it.

I know what you’re wondering and I know why you wrote in for advice. You are, perhaps, wondering if you are gay?

It is hard to answer because as I mentioned in a previous article, I cannot tell you what YOUR sexual preference is. Only YOU can make that decision for yourself. I think you should reflect on some things: before these dreams, did you ever have a curiosity of men? One a day that you don’t dream of sex with another man, do you find you think about sex with a man anyway? Is the man in your dream a stranger? That would help determine a lot.

Lastly, should you find that you might be (or ARE) gay, take things slowly. I recommend you have a session with a professional who can help you find out in a healthy and unbiased way. Many straight people dream of sex with people of the same sex…and they are still straight. Sometimes, married “straight” people realize years later that they are bisexual.

Get some professional advice and you will eventually know what to do about it. Good luck, Alberto!

Love,
Judy

Love Advice: My Boyfriend Has Lost Interest

[Originally published for DTM magazine January 2010 Issue #65]
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Judy Torres

Ask Judy

 

Dear Judy,

I didn’t think I would need sexual advice so early in my relationship, but after being with my boyfriend for 8 months, it seems that he has lost interest in me. He always tells me how sexy I am, but when it gets late, he suddenly has a lot of headaches and stomachaches, or is just already asleep when I get out of the bathroom.

My friends tell me how their boyfriends have sex with them 3, 4 or even 5 times in one night, and I wonder why I’ve never experienced that. My current boyfriend doesn’t even try a second round!

How often do couples really have sex in a relationship, and what can I do to make my boyfriend want me again?

Maria, 22

 

Dear Maria,

There is nothing wrong with asking for advice, sexual or otherwise. And there is nothing wrong with you! Usually in relationships, the sex doesn’t taper off until about a year or a year and a half after the relationship has begun. So if it is tapering off after only 8 months, it seems a little unusual.

Now, one of the challenges that all couples face is that each person in the relationship has a different sex drive.

Scenario A: If I were to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, I’d say he may have a different appetite for sex than you. Therefore, it may be hard for him to tell you the truth. I would assume that your boyfriend is in his 20’s (as you are), and I would imagine he has a strong appetite. Result? Nothing funny going on here, just a matter of preference.

Scenario B: When a man suddenly falls asleep by the time you return from the bathroom, or says “Sorry, honey, not tonight…I’ve got a headache,” etc., he’s playing the avoidance game. He may be avoiding you for some reason. The reason could be that he really isn’t in the mood. The reason could be that he may be worried he can’t perform, particularly if he’s stressed out. But the reason can also be that he’s avoiding you out of guilt for being with someone else. I have no proof of this, but just keep it in the back of your mind just in case.

Ask yourself these questions: How long has it been since the last time? The last time you were together, did anything embarrassing or strange happen? Besides the bedroom, how is the relationship going overall? This is where you have to call on your inner voice. Your female instincts will never steer you wrong.

By the way, never compare your relationships to your friends’ relationships – they may be lying! Even if they’re telling the truth, I can guarantee that 5 times in one night may leave you in a bit of pain.

You asked me, what can you do to make your boyfriend want you again? Here’s my answer: do nothing! You’re not doing anything wrong. I can tell you to wear something sexy, make some naughty phone calls, etc… but I honestly feel it’s not you, sweetie. If you remember this for the rest of your life, you will save yourself from a lot of pain: You cannot control what other people do. You can only control how you respond to it.

Talk to him, and if you’re not happy after exercising patience, leave. Every person in a relationship needs to feel wanted, desired and fulfilled. Good luck, sweetie! Remember – it’s not you!

Love,
Judy

Love Advice: I’m Dating a Commitment-Phobe

[Originally published for LatinTRENDS magazine March 2013 Issue #96]
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Judy Torres

Ask Judy

 

Dear Ms. Torres

(friend in my head),

I’ve been dating this guy for about five months. We are both well traveled, we graduated from Columbia, we each own our own businesses…but something isn’t right.

I’m not bad looking, I cook, I clean, I’m fun! But Mr. Perfect just doesn’t seem to want to…commit! It’s like he’s beating around the bush. He gets weird when we talk about emotional things – I think I’m done.

Do you think I’m cutting out too fast? Should I stay and wait a little longer? Am I expecting too much? Is it wrong to expect anything at all just a few months in?

Ok, I realize I have just asked you a whole lot of questions. I’m sorry…but Help!

Sincerely,
Ms. Can’t Think Of a Clever Pseudonym

 

Dear Ms. Can’t Think of a Clever Pseudonym, (friend in my head too!)

I have a strange rule when it comes to dating. I call it the Three Rule. Three conversations – you know you’re interested in a date. Three dates – you know whether you want to pursue a relationship. Three months – You know whether you want this to be a long-term relationship, exclusivity. Three years – Commitment.

You’ve been together for about five months. You have so many questions. I do think your relationship is still somewhat new, but not so new that you don’t know where you’re both headed.

On my first date with my current boyfriend of almost 2 years, although it was scary, I told him, “I want you to know that I’m not looking for a fling. Been there, done that. I am looking for the one, a husband, someone to share the rest of my life with.” I was afraid he would run out the door. He didn’t.

My dear, you need to TALK to him. Simply ask him what he wants, where he sees this going, and where he sees himself going in a year, and in five years. There’s a book written by Steve Harvey called, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Read it. He is very honest about how men think.

Good luck, and I love being the friend in your head!

Love,
Judy