Ask Judy
Dear Judy:
I really love this guy, and we have been in a serious relationship for four years. But we had a very bad breakup a couple of months ago and didn’t speak to each other for three weeks.
When we got back together, he came with the bad news that he had gotten another girl pregnant. I am really upset, but I am still with him. This is the second time he has gotten somebody pregnant during our relationship. I forgave him the first time because he said he wouldn’t do it to me again. He says the same thing every time: that he is sorry, that he wants to be with me and he wants me to have his baby.
Should I believe him when he tells me that he will give me everything? Should I stay with this boy and have his baby? Or should I move on with my life and find somebody to love me? Would I be able to trust him if we get married? I love this boy, but I don’t know what to do. I am 21 years old. Please help.
M.T., Jamaica , Queens , NY
Dear M.T.:
There’s a wonderful quote that Maya Angelou is famous for: when someone shows you who they are, believe them – THE FIRST TIME! In fact, she even told Oprah the very same quote to keep her from getting her heart unnecessarily broken over and over again.
This is the second time he’s gotten a woman pregnant? This is the second time he’s cheated? Yet, the third time, you’re left wondering.
Let me get this straight: Your boyfriend and you broke up and didn’t speak for three weeks. Somehow, in three small weeks, he managed to get another woman pregnant. REALLY?
Sometimes, as women, we believe that having a man’s child is a privilege. It somehow makes us feel more important, more valued. But that is true only when the man is an honorable one. A child is a blessing no matter how it is conceived, but do you want to have his child because you have a GREAT relationship full of respect, monogamy and true love – or because you don’t want to be alone? Think about this.
I’m a believer in second chances, not third ones, mi’ja! You said it yourself – you forgave him because he said he would not do it again…but he DID!
The answer is RUN, CHICA, RUN! Get as far away from this man as you possibly can, or I fear you will end up pregnant, alone, and becoming a single mother to a child who has many half-sisters and half-brothers, begging this no-good man for child support.
Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself right now. This moment is the decision that will alter your life for the better or give you a future full of heartache. You are an intelligent woman, and deep down, you are looking for someone to validate your suspicions…that’s fine. Here I am, and I AM TELLING YOU TO LEAVE HIM. Find someone who will honor you by being faithful, respecting his love for you, and who will tell you the truth each time. He showed you who he is…the very first time.
Believe him – he is a cheater who has his own issues of needing to feel wanted by others. You don’t need the baby mama drama! Good luck.
Love,
Judy
