My husband and I stepped outside of our relationship, although we would never admit it. It all happened a year ago. I saw photos of him drunk and a little too close to a girl. She was cuter, maybe prettier than me.
I was working at a small catering business and my boss was hot. He knew everyone and treated me so special. I guess I fell for it so easily because my husband and I had just had our second child and I was feeling unattractive, weighed down and a little bored. I’ve stopped seeing my boss and I got another job.
I have never seen pictures of my husband with the girl from his drunken night out and he doesn’t seem to be hiding anything. My question is, can we really trust each other again? Should we stay together and, no matter how tedious it may seem right now, keep moving forward in our relationship? Is this what marriage and commitment are really about?
Desperate Housewife of Staten Island
Dear Desperate Housewife of Staten Island,
Marriage: The state of being united to a person as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship, recognized by law – the state of being united.
Commitment: an act of committing to a charge or trust. I see two words here that stand out for me in these definitions: UNITED and TRUST. Are you united? And do you trust each other?
The first thing you wrote was that your husband AND you stepped outside of your relationship. But you didn’t confirm your husband had an affair. You only said you saw photos of him a little too close to another girl. Did he admit to an affair, or just inappropriate behavior? My guess is that seeing these photos, you understandably were enraged, confused and hurt. Who wouldn’t be? BUT did you confront him? Although you didn’t say, I’m assuming you avoided that very uncomfortable confrontation, and bottled your feelings inside. Because you were left feeling hurt, insecure and “less than,” you sought out comfort. Well let’s call it what it is: you were looking for revenge. And two wrongs never make a right.
So, the bottom line is: why did you get married and do you still believe your husband is your true life partner? All relationships are challenged with outside distractions, and inner problems at one time or another. But how you handle these situations, says a lot about who you both are. There is obviously a HUGE problem in your marriage. Infidelity is a symptom of an illness within your relationship. Find out what it is – together.
Get some professional counseling, and you’ll discover that he really has nothing to do with your infidelity, and you had nothing to do with his. The reason you marry someone is usually a different reason than why you remain married. It’s time to make more mature decisions. Get counseling, make a decision about whether this marriage is salvageable and move forward from this either way.
In my experience, it’s best to figure out NOW what’s wrong and try to make it work, than to just walk away and leave things unresolved. You will end up repeating the same errors, and you don’t have time in your life to waste on repeated mistakes.
Forgive yourself, forgive him, and WORK on re-trusting and re-committing to each other! Good luck to you.