[Originally published in DTM Magazine Issue #59; June 2009]
I have a little dilemma and could use your advice. I am dating two guys for about four months now. They are wonderful, funny, just great, and I don’t know which one to pick. How do I make a decision? I don’t want to lose them both, and things are starting to get more serious. Brian is tall, very successful, lives in a penthouse in the city, but is not that attractive and very loud. Derek is sensitive, good looking, very loving, honest and has great family values, but I have to pay everything for him which kind of bothers me. I heard once somebody say, “Marry the guy you want to get divorced from.”
Dear Ms. Dilemma,
You said you once heard, “Marry the guy you want to be divorced from?” Pardon my French, but who the #$% told you that?! Let me tell you something, “When you can’t decide, you’ve already decided.” In other words, I’m not sure you want to be with either one of them. You mention Brian: penthouse, unattractive, loud. Are you saying that he’s worthy of attention because of what he owns? You then mention Derek: good looking, sensitive, but he pays for nothing. Are you saying that because he’s so handsome, it’s worth you paying a heavy price? What’s really important to you here? I am fascinated that there is no mention of love here.
You haven’t told me that you love either of them. A man can offer you the world, wine and dine you, have a penthouse and at the end of the day, he can be emotionally absent and completely devoid of being able to show you any affection or love. There are many good-looking men out there who are sensitive; sensitive enough to realize that you’ve been paying for everything! Hello?
Steve Harvey says in his latest book, “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man,” that when a man loves you, he will profess (give you a title, “my lady, my woman, my love…”); he will protect (he will be sure no one hurts you and you are generally happy); and he will provide (he will PAY for dinner, he will want to automatically take care of you). Although this thinking is considered old-fashioned, I wholeheartedly agree with him. Let me ask you this: Have either of these men made you feel provided, protected and made you feel like you’re the only woman in the world? Hmm.
Lastly, I don’t mean to judge you, but if you don’t decide soon, one of them will decide for you. You will lose them both. Make a decision today, girlfriend. If you can’t decide, then neither one of them is your man, and you should move on with life and find something called love. My hope for you is that you are not the type of woman who just needs to be with someone, anyone, all the time. By not making a decision, you show your lack of commitment. By not deciding you are procrastinating and forcing someone else to decide your destiny. Don’t do that – you take control. Who do you love, really love? That’s your answer. Good luck!