Love Advice: Forbidden Love Causes Unbearable Pain

Shelley Mendoza

March 26, 2014

Ask Judy

Dear Judy,

I have been struggling and living in pain for almost a year because I love this guy. My parents object to our relationship, and so do our friends because of our religious differences – I’m a Catholic and he’s Jewish.

In addition, he is indifferent towards me and he reminds me constantly that he has “unfinished business” with his ex. He throws tantrums and breaks his promises. He asked for my hand in marriage, but before we could get married, we broke up because he still lingered over his ex. We got back together and tried again, and we broke up a second time over his ex (again). We’re back together for a third time, but even with his promise to love me more, I just don’t see it coming.

I feel pain and disappointment that lasts from the moment I wake up until the minute I sleep. Why can’t I let him go? Why do I keep holding onto him? Is it my stubbornness or the fact I do not want to lose to his past? I have worked hard to change him to a slightly better person – is it because I cannot stand the fact that he is good at getting back at me and I am easily manipulated? Is it my self-esteem or lack thereof?

I asked for reassurances and I told him that I hoped he could at least greet me or ask me how my day went. His reply was, “I’m not that kind of person.” I no longer want to beg for his love. At this point, I have asked myself, “am I wanting too much or hoping for too much or giving out a lot?” All I want is some respect and appreciation.

I know I really love him but I do not want to be in this tormenting pain any more. Could you please advise me how to be stronger emotionally? If I were to leave, how can I live strong and graceful, not allowing him to rub salt on my wound anymore? How do I salvage my pride and dignity in this sticky situation?

Thank you and God bless,
In Pain in Patchogue

My Dearest In Pain,

What I find amazing and absolutely refreshing is your honesty with yourself. It is rare to find some-one so young and yet so able to express your thoughts, even though you are feeling emotional strain at the moment. You have the answer and I guess you only want me to reaffirm what you have already decided in your mind.

All healthy relationships are based on mutual trust and respect. You can give him the ultimatum to finish off whatever unfinished business he has but honestly, in your position, I would not bother. I would just break the relationship off because you can find someone more worthy of your devotion. A man who is unable to treat you with respect, and greet you with love each time he sees you, is not deserving of your loyalty and love.

You try to be your best and you give your partner the best of you – that’s what being in love is about. I think the “it is not my personality, so how can I give it to you?” excuse is not acceptable. One greets and talks to his partner enthusiastically when one is in love. It is not a personality thing. It is whether you love the person or not thing. At the end of the day, you have to decide whether you want to let go or not. Or rather, ask your inner self whether you are willing to spend the rest of your life in your current situation, feeling the way that you do.

You have mentioned that you lack self-esteem and that will only get worse over time. Your low self-esteem will not only affect you but the children you will bear with this man – which is not a good thing. Base your decision on logic and rationale, rather than emotions and pride. Life should be interesting and fun with the person you love and if you cannot achieve it with this man, you should cut your losses and move on. You might not want to make the cut but you will consciously do it because it is the proper thing to do.

Physical separation comes first, then deal with your emotional separation. Fill the void that you feel in your heart with meaningful activities. Take this as a great time to learn about yourself. Do not jump into another relationship for the convenience of it. Train yourself to explore your strengths and weaknesses. Be honest with yourself. Learn new skills, have fun and find new friends. This is the greatest opportunity for you to do so. And you will find that you are a much happier person 6 months down the line. Trust me, I’ve walked that road. Good luck, my dear, and stay strong!

Love,
Judy