I’m a 32 year old, divorced for 7 years, single mom. My best friend is a 32 year old, divorced for 1 year, single mom. We are both bi-sexual, as are several of our mutual and not mutual friends. Friends with benefits is fairly common in our circle, for both physical and emotional needs and just for fun because we’re friends. Yet, my friend constantly denies her belief in FWB, saying how it never works out, ending friendships etc. I have no problem with her viewpoint, and while we are affectionate with each other at times (hand-holding, cuddling, cheek kissing) I have kept my hands to myself, as it were, despite wanting to just kiss her silly at times.
But then she’s gone and had sex with her ‘best friend’ who lives in Washington DC (several states away), twice. Twice! And since her divorce she constantly talks about trying to find jobs in DC and this friend can help her get a place and I simply sit there and listen while she essentially talks about leaving me and our friendship and everything I’ve done for her.
This has happened to me before with anti-FWB friends who don’t practice what they preach, at least not with me. Obviously, this hurts my pride and self esteem and causes great self doubt.
So now my one sided best friend will leave, eventually. It may be next month or next year, but it will happen. So, knowing that I apparently wasn’t the one, and knowing that when she moves we will most likely grow apart, I want to know if I should just confess it all before she gets on the plane (or rental car, as it were) or just put it on my long list of ‘ Shoulda Dones’ and leave it be?
Thank you for any assistance you can offer,
Bisexual Boricua in the Bronx
Dear Bisexual Boricua in the Bronx,
The major rule about a friend with benefits is that you have NO intimate feelings for the friend. Is this different – do you have feelings for your friend? Why would you be so upset about your friend connecting with someone else? If you’re just friends and nothing else, then you should be happy for her. But I have a feeling this is about your pride. You feel that because you’ve shown her respect by not making a move, you should be naturally next in line. But no – she didn’t even consider you. How dare she? Right? Not happening.
I believe that if she was really interested in you, she would have given you a clue, given you a green light that it was okay to make a move. But she hasn’t. She’s already hooked up with someone else. Look at her ACTIONS , not what she’s telling you. The bottom line is this: if she was interested SHE would be with you. Period.
If you need some form of closure on this subject then go ahead and ask her why she chose her friend first, and not you. But isn’t it possible that her friend is more than a friend to begin with? I’m as open minded as Lady Gaga, but I believe this friends with benefits game just leaves you feeling hurt, empty and it’s just an excuse to keep you from finding real love. And everyone deserves that, even you, even a bisexual Boricua from the Bronx! There are no benefits, just pain. Move on, move forward, my friend!