[Originally published in DTM Magazine Issue #57; April 2009].
I am a 22-year-old woman living in Queens. I met a guy about two months ago in a club and we hit it off from the first moment we saw each other. We slept together on our third date. I thought he was nice. I don’t usually sleep with guys that quickly but now he holds that against me. He thinks I am a slut and he can’t trust me. I know we have a good time together, but now I am afraid that this is never going to be serious because he thinks I am too easy and had sex with everybody in New York. I really like him. Please help me. I don’t know what to do.
My Dear Friend,
It looks as if we’ve come to that old adage: Will you still love me tomorrow? I can see that you are in a catch 22-damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don’t scenario. I know what you were feeling. I’ve been there. Here you are in a club, dancing, or drinking, or talking with friends, and BOOM! There he is: the fantasy of the potential to what he could be suddenly becomes more powerful than the reality of who this person really is. We all hit if off really well in the beginning. Chemistry and hormones are powerful, yelling: “Yes! Do it!”
There are many out there who live by the three rule…I talk about it on stage from time to time. Here it is: It usually takes three conversations to lock in a date; it takes three dates to decide if you’d like the relationship to continue; three months to decide if you’ll “go steady” and three years to decide to commit. Then there are exceptions. There is an unspoken rule that says after three dates, it’s time to sleep together. Many people abide to this philosophy. For many, it works.
First, please do not punish yourself for listening to your heart and hormones. After all, you thought he was cool, right? It seems to me you slept with him because you thought this was something “different.” You are a young woman who is looking for love, and you made an exception and broke your own rule. Second, HELLO! It takes two to tango. I gather he had a great time too – does the fact that he slept with you on the third date make him a slut? Probably not. So forgive yourself. Third, I think he’s trying to find an excuse to move on, projecting blame onto you because he’s afraid or doesn’t want something serious. If he has in any way hinted to you that you cannot be trusted, or that you are a slut, then I propose hes the untrustworthy one.
Finally, mama, remember always that for all our actions, there are equal and opposite reactions. In other words, when you take the chance of sleeping with someone whose character you honestly don’t know – you are doing exactly that…taking chances. If you don’t want to gamble with your reputation or with your conscience, then next time – make him wait. Aren’t you worth it? We’re back to what we learned in high school – don’t sleep with someone because we want him to like us. Good luck – you are a lady, not a slut!