[Originally published for DTM magazine January 2010 Issue #65]
I didn’t think I would need sexual advice so early in my relationship, but after being with my boyfriend for 8 months, it seems that he has lost interest in me. He always tells me how sexy I am, but when it gets late, he suddenly has a lot of headaches and stomachaches, or is just already asleep when I get out of the bathroom.
My friends tell me how their boyfriends have sex with them 3, 4 or even 5 times in one night, and I wonder why I’ve never experienced that. My current boyfriend doesn’t even try a second round!
How often do couples really have sex in a relationship, and what can I do to make my boyfriend want me again?
There is nothing wrong with asking for advice, sexual or otherwise. And there is nothing wrong with you! Usually in relationships, the sex doesn’t taper off until about a year or a year and a half after the relationship has begun. So if it is tapering off after only 8 months, it seems a little unusual.
Now, one of the challenges that all couples face is that each person in the relationship has a different sex drive.
Scenario A: If I were to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, I’d say he may have a different appetite for sex than you. Therefore, it may be hard for him to tell you the truth. I would assume that your boyfriend is in his 20’s (as you are), and I would imagine he has a strong appetite. Result? Nothing funny going on here, just a matter of preference.
Scenario B: When a man suddenly falls asleep by the time you return from the bathroom, or says “Sorry, honey, not tonight…I’ve got a headache,” etc., he’s playing the avoidance game. He may be avoiding you for some reason. The reason could be that he really isn’t in the mood. The reason could be that he may be worried he can’t perform, particularly if he’s stressed out. But the reason can also be that he’s avoiding you out of guilt for being with someone else. I have no proof of this, but just keep it in the back of your mind just in case.
Ask yourself these questions: How long has it been since the last time? The last time you were together, did anything embarrassing or strange happen? Besides the bedroom, how is the relationship going overall? This is where you have to call on your inner voice. Your female instincts will never steer you wrong.
By the way, never compare your relationships to your friends’ relationships – they may be lying! Even if they’re telling the truth, I can guarantee that 5 times in one night may leave you in a bit of pain.
You asked me, what can you do to make your boyfriend want you again? Here’s my answer: do nothing! You’re not doing anything wrong. I can tell you to wear something sexy, make some naughty phone calls, etc… but I honestly feel it’s not you, sweetie. If you remember this for the rest of your life, you will save yourself from a lot of pain: You cannot control what other people do. You can only control how you respond to it.
Talk to him, and if you’re not happy after exercising patience, leave. Every person in a relationship needs to feel wanted, desired and fulfilled. Good luck, sweetie! Remember – it’s not you!